Restlessness

Who is quoted with that anyway? I make a note to double check online. Restlessness and discontent. Something, something, something. Signs of success? A place for progress? It strikes me there is a quote that starts out talking about the importance of restlessness. I accidentally just typed Recklessness and I smirked a little, because sometimes I think those two words are in bed together anyway. Restless. Reckless. Restless. Reckless.

This is summed up completely by a recently received email. I noticed the background of your blog is changing almost everyday, she wrote. As I sit in our desk-turn-workspace, typing frantically while looking out the window on a rare sunny spring day I waffle this idea around in my head. These past few weeks I have felt endless, gnawing restlessness. I don't want to call it discontent, I am contented enough. I don't want to call it unhappiness, despite the occasional burst of tears I do feel cheerful enough. It's more this itchiness under my skin. The desire to feel a settledness I suspect is still months (nay, years?) away. It's the longing to run into a familiar face. It's the hope that behind a corner, along a street, at the grocery store I will be hit by a bolt of light that allows me to completely exhale. To relax into my circumstances, to this city, to this moment in my life.

I find the restlessness translates mostly into the constant moving and changing of little things. The blog background, par example. I keep changing it, adjusting the colour, the title, the spacing. I keep moving around my clothes in the drawers and closets. I start to get itchy to do something so I change around drawers, closets, where I put the cards in my wallet. Funny how I crave familiarity, and yet, in my antsy days all I can do is change around little things. I fear this may be some kind of disorder. I can't even google-it because I am afraid of what I may find.

So instead of doing my work (yes, I landed some part time work), or dwelling on the other thoughts that continue to erupt, or the constant wondering what the hell happens next? I clean the pans. Put in a load of laundry. Keep on moving.

I checked the quote. It goes like this: Restlessness is discontent and discontent is the first necessity of progress. -Thomas Edison (insert heavy sigh here...at least I am making progress...)