Standing in the rain in the parking lot of the E Centre watching the trailer back slowly between the two pylons direct re-direct ‘S’ Curve Position the van other new leader is directing over my watchful eye wheel change trailer un hitch flat tire problem guest I am explaining moving talking non stop we lead a termination we send her away Van and Trailer Manual fix change repeat repeat repeat do not stop for lunch check in with my New Leaders mock cocktail party twelve hour days endless nights filled with restless sleep just like trip just like trip Speech Feedback Leadership Seminar.

She’s lead for twelve years.
He’s lead for thirteen.
Her, twenty one.

Me. Four.

Asia, Africa, Latin America. South America. Europe. Everywhere. Passport denied. Visa revoked. Appendix removed in India. Trip in Bhutan with 25 deathly ill guests. Killer Bee Attacks. Lodge fire. Earthquake. Marriage. Divorce. Red Van Old School Changes. I push my finger nails into my hands, quietly I sit.

Am I really here?

Mock trip monday no cell reception five days four nights bryce national park zion national park hikes bikes load camper 27 new people 27 sets of hands eyes questioning mouths endless energy feedback more talks more rain more sun pack your bag sunscreen bug spray dry eyes keep on training try to exercise ride your bike girl cries boy breaks up with girlfriend from NC he is upset can he hack it can they hack it can they make it can they graduate this insanity and get sent into the field can they can they can they

Can I?

begging the lingering question I am fighting since the start of this journey.

Am I?

Shoulders straight I am alone on this cottonwood canyon the amount I feel completely alone I am so completely on my own with no choice no other choice only one week in this incredible exhausting overwhelming process a tear falls down and lands on my knees crept up near my chin I have to face this I am here I am here this is now this is all there is all I have building my blocks into the future if this doesn't break you this will make you

get up shake it off walk it off run it away back to the condo where they are waiting for you a saturday of work awaits your life awaits.


Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death. -HAROLD WILSON