Filling in my calendar and To Do list today,
April consisted of a long string of big events: moving house, setting up house, gutting a portion of the house, celebrating our anniversary, working more on the house and Jon leaving for Spain. Somewhere in there I also continued to work on my business, pitched two new clients, and wrapped up a long-term project. I spy May creeping up this week and a portion of me feels tremendous, incredible, mind-numbing relief.
I knew moving wasn't going to be the easiest endeavour; I didn't imagine I was going to feel so much angst and irritation towards the home. I really want my office set up - now. I really want the kitchen finished- now. I really want to have a closet for my clothes and not boxes and suitcases- now. I really want all the renovations done -NOW. Living in chaos shouldn't rattle me so; I have lived in far worse, messier, more complicated situations. I blame the fact we own this, I feel a bizarre ownership to the mess that it is creeping into every room, every place and space of our home.
My irritation is also sadness, masked. I am missing my sister (a trip to Houston in late May will hopefully help), longing for a break from the stress of the few months past, and working through a knee injury I can't seem to shake. I lay awake in bed on Friday night revising and changing my To Do list for the weekend and the week ahead trying to come up with a new script for myself instead of I am overwhelmed, I am emotional, I am sad, I have so much to do, I don't know where to start. I decided instead on a short and simple: You Got This.
I was additionally infused with hope this morning after reading Bay's recount of April and it's happenings. I was especially delighted by this: coming to the end of this breakdown cycle, which is to say that I’m surrendering my resistance to Life and its shenanigans and trying out some compassion instead. This might sound obvious to you, but compassion is not something I can access too easily for myself, though I have it in spades for everyone else.
I can't say for sure I can stand strong and true for May, but I can try. Try to be better, try to be more optimistic, try to be less impatient. All I have to do is take it one day at a time, and remind myself that I do, in fact have this. You Got This.